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February 02 Forsaken Soul and MindI didn’t actually ask for a first class suite with a view to every paranoid and insane person in Marid valley. But im not a complainer, i get by with what is offered and it’s known before that the ones too blind to their own nature is so much easier to prey on. Dont you think? First of, let me make one thing clear. this whole ‘find your inner beast’ thing was not my idea. Im rather sure that whoever saw the creature hiding within this old shell, would consider themselves on the wrong side of the bars. Some pathetic man with too much selfinterest searched for the easiest way to torture, what remained of the sanity from poor human souls in the santuary. By my standards he was the most sick of them all. The crave for blood sometimes gets the most cautious into neck-deep trouble and i dont mind being the hunted for a while, what i despice is when the hunter is a unscrupulous human. Poorly gifted as these mortals are, they tend to make mistakes, this unsavoury man made one, just one. He tried to enslave the wrong beast. But as my mother always used to say, where one fall down another shall raise, and till this hour i can still hear his small pathetic whimpers in my ears as i licked of his bloody tears, and drew out my nails from his heart. So fragile and yet so provoking to my senses.
I can hear them pray, laugh and whisper in every corner of my mind as they walk through the shapeless darkness shielding them against the outside world. Sometimes my sensitive mind touches another presence guiding them down the wrong road. For them there will be no salvation. But obviously he is none of my concern, after all we are not the only ones feasting on the frail minds of humans. Prowling through the santuary, build for every tormented soul of god, i prey on the strongest of the weak. In their eyes i see fear bound by the terror infront of them, they search for a reasonable explanation towards the beast draining their heartblood, but all they ever find is darkness. I pitty them and all that they stand for, they do not know that the only liberation they will ever find it when touched by the hand of death. So they fight and whimper, beg and cry, and i reasure them about the truth of life. Humanity was the favorites of god. But he of all will never be able to protect them from his very own abomination. Me. July 23 Shadow hide meShadow hide me once more. Tomorrow there must be yet another day Blinded about what im figting to. Have you seen down the other way? Before choosing the road made for you?
Im not yet another one of your slaves. Might be mild. But my mind is my own. Im not yet another one of your chained.
Behind your eyes i can sense, Tomorrow there might be yet another day. Have you ever followed feelings? Tainted feelings will never last long. True love have to come from the heart.
Unfinished Poem.... July 01 The totem of the lynx
June 08 The highwaymans Flute songLovely whisper come to me Light away my fear Lovely whisper could it be Music that hear
Going on from road to road Proud we are and free Making stories as we go Play a tune for me
Lovely whisper come to me Let me see your face Over word and tune we flee Drums will set the pace
Beauty in each word we sing All the night and day Music worth from poor to king Just as they shall pay
Lovely whisper follow me Sing a tune for me Lovely whisper can you see Words will set us free March 29 As i walk alone - Affection - Insane - Non-Believer
As I walk alone, nothing to sense My heart was broken once more Stared at the light, oh so intense Walking around it, like before Knowing that I was doomed
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Affection for all i have in this world The stories i get to tell one day The adventures i dont want to end The pleasures i still get to enjoy
So i dont miss anything but feelings So i only miss the feelings
Walking around in this cutain of grey Seeing things with any eyes but mine In the end i still see the world one day Maby not today but tomorrow will come
So i dont miss anything but feelings So i only miss these feelings
Maby i wont ever live like anyone else I dont think i ever could live that way I have seen the other side of all things And i know what i have left and its not much....
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From dusty parts of my mind Trying so hard to face the madness I really don’t know what to find If its lost memories or worse, ifs its sadness
My body is the first I’ll loose Crying like whiped for none and it all Nothing for me left to choose Nothing to help me up, nothing when I fall
Asure me that im not crazy Tell me about how its like to be alive That life is really fairly easy That there is no reason for me to hide
Hold me in the dark nights Even though its in the day I used to be the sane one Now im the one insane _____________________________________________
Things I can’t help u with Something I cant undo Why don’t you for once just feel?
A person that’s very hard to love Still the only one I ever could
Told you people make mistakes And love is only for the strong Happiness cant be for all?
Time to surrender to my faults Heard you can’t even miss me But who cares anyways?
A Fighter is not a real carecteristic It made for those who can believe
Watch out for the non-believer She cant even remember her name But what is it to you? to you?
March 06 Phil Collins song (No way Out)Everywhere I turn, I hurt someone But there's nothing I can say to change the things I've done Of all the things I hid from you I cannot hide the shame And I pray someone, something will come to take away the pain There's no way out of this dark place No hope, no future I know I can't be free But I can't see another way I can't face another day Tell me where, did I go wrong Everyone I loved, they're all gone I'd do everything differently but I can't turn back the time There's no shelter from the storm inside of me There's no way out of this dark place No hope, no future I know I can't be free But I can't see another way I can't face another day I can't believe the words I hear It's like an answer to a prayer When I look around I see This place, this time, this friend of mine I know its hard but you found somehow To look into your heart and to forgive me now You've given me the strength to see just where my journey ends You've given me the strength to carry on... February 21 Goodbye angelNo angels in my head I cry and go to bed
No angels at my doorThey left me nothing more
No angels in my heart They tore it all apart
No angels in my life I throw away the knife
No angels nor tomorrow You said it caused the sorrow
Last angel i beged to stay It turned and went away January 30 Killed by the arrow?Hmm.. i know its a strange title... but to be honest, i didn't know what to write...
My health have been a little strange this past months/weeks/days...
been feeling really i'll, and then suddenly feeling allright again, untill 10 secs later, stomache cramps and all sorts of non-pleasant feelings... Eeven my mood has been really bad... hmm...
anyone wanna switch bodies???
I've actually had a really bad week. lots and lots of thought not giving me any rest at all. i think i used most of the hours laying in my bed, stareing at the man i love, which have made it alot easier to chew. I know i havent been writing alot in here, really, but i think what my brain is telling me is, that i need to get somethings out of my system before is crashes. And before i start going nuts.
Some nights ago, i had the doubtful honor of crying myself to pieces more or less. what made it different from all the other nights along time ago, was that i was not alone on putting the pieces back together again. After telling alot of things that was starting to really get me down +alot of non-important stuff, as it always goes when i share my inner tabu feelings, i fell asleep in no time, and with a rare knowlegde of peace. Now im sitting here, at 3.00 cet looking back at the last year, and for once, not in any bad way. Alot of things has happened, and i can't stop myself from feeling just a little joyful. Concidering the things i needed to go through, we needed to go through, its maby at a bit wrong. I lost 3 really good friends. and most of all. I lost a very weak connection that i had, to my parents, my family, my older friends.
Last night it accured to me, that i been a real bitch to alot of ppl. Not being honest, playing life as it was a game. And i think i owe so many ppl, a better view of who i really am. when i figure it out that is.
But come on mom, i cant have been that big a pain?! erm.. i have? screwed up the family? ups..
I always hated that part of the farytales where ppl live happily ever after, cause it ain't gonna happend. you find someone you love, they say the same to you, you look happy, have kids, complain about not having any time alone anymore, when the kids finally go, you complain over the house being too quiet, and when you finally get used to it... BAM... one of you dies...
*looks it all over again* hmmmmm...
I dont know about you, but where im sitting right now, i actually found out what happiness means...
Correct me if im wrong but...
Happiness means (in my substitut world):
You have the will to be yourself
to let yourself love someone
to be awarded for it
to care about what makes another person happy (its the little things that counts)
and to show it
Even if it means giving them your heart on a stick, and a fireplace to go with it.
I do know what dissepointment, sorrow, and hate means. More then i need in my appenion. But hey im just the messenger. But since i got the chance to meet a very speciel person, i also know what makes my life go on. I find myself wanting to please, to show feelings, i wanna have his kids, grow old with him, do anything that makes him happy... Cause when ever he is happy, i am... Complection of loveThe perfection you need from deep and painfull love... allways painfull..
Timeless hours of turning and turning in your bed...
The restless soul that in the end... never belongs to anyone...
As the sun turns on me, i feel safe from harm, from myself, from everyone..
But as is abbandons me, to safer grunds, to lighten others, and leaves me behind... I die a little every night...
In my dispare i always turn to you, not the darkened feelings i hold, not the the other me, but you...
In your eyes i find my sun, my savior.
untill u turn to sleep, close your eyes, and let me walk in the darkness.. never alone, but.. always on my own...
Eyes in the dark is not always bad, i pray, not to god, or to anyone, i just pray, and hope that someone hears it..
A prayer send to no one, can be taken by anyone, still i beg you...
I beg you...
Open your eyes and look at me, whats left of me, remember me...
Cause next time the suns goes down, i will loose a little more...
December 13 From Brother BearPhil Collins
Everywhere I turn I hurt someone but there's nothing I can say to change the things I done I'll do anything within my power and give everything I got but the power I seek is hidden from me now Brother Bear I let you down you trusted me, believed in me and I let you down of all the things I hid from you I cannot hide the shame and I pray someone, something would come to take away the pain there's no way out of this dark place no hope, no future I know why I can't be freed but I can see another way I can face another day December 01 Citat fra Cleaving:You make me misserable, do you know that?
With all the things you dont really say.
When i've done something wrong you dont care?
Yell at me, do something, just notice me.
November 22 Angel Of DeathShe opened her eyes and held the knife even closer to her heart. Tonight was the night where she had given up, and let the temptation slit her wrist. Just a little ofcause, not so that the blood would be too bad, only a little my angel. All alone so that no one would have the time to save her untill the angel of death could manage to take her away from this hell. She was sure about that. No one knew about her pain, her voices, or her numbness… No one but her angels…
She saw it drip on the floor little by little, and she started to get tired, but this was no time to sleep. She wanted to see him come to collect her soul, as he did to her friend. She wanted to SEE him, and let him know how badly she needed the touch of his wings, how badly she needed him to take her away. If he didn’t know he might let her stay here, and that was not a posibility. This was not her world, this was not where she belonged.
Minute by minute passed by, as she sat there waiting for him, but suddenly fear took hold of her. What if he didn’t show up? What if he was to busy to come and hear her prayers? Would she then go to hell without even getting a chance? No… this was hell… it couldn’t get any worse, and ofcause he would come for her. You cant let dying people wait.
The night passed, and as the sun came up a living soul found it’s way to her door, unprepared of the sight that would meet it. She was still sitting there with the knife near her heart, closed eyes and blood all over her dress. Frightened for her life, the ambulance was called even before her pulse was checked. As they arrived she opened her eyes, and with tears in her eyes and a broken voices she said “No one needs me, not even Death will have me. Am I really not worth anything to anyone?”.
Her body lived on, but her mind was broken, so was her abillity to speak. Only the speaking words of angels could turn a sparkle in her eyes. But not for long. One single soul cried for her destiny, and the Angel of Death, waited only for her voice calling her name. But it never came. New poemBlues
How am i ever gonna get rid of these blues, The thoughtlessness and the tears? I missed someone who could give me strength, Suddenly my life is changed and I cant keep up.
Missry is something I remember all to well still, Where’s the shadows of my deepest secrets? They lure at everything I do and say to you, Just when my happiest memories are about to begin.
Love songs singing in the background but how, As theres no one here to hear them? Broken heart or not I’ll never let go of these blues, They’r my muse, my inspiration to how I please you.
With every step I take towards the underworld I fear, That if I ever make it, will it still be the same? Darkness is nothing but a fear for the fears itself, And still some bear it in their heart right next to love.
It is their inspiration, the same way as you are mine….
November 09 What a dragSo i just got the news today that my uncle, ofc the evol one, have found a lump on his neck and is now going to a checkup this week, to c if its anything dangerous...
And then i sit back and woner if it's natures way of hitting me in the face, with yet another sad family-story... November 07 Bad HairdayGARH!...
Today have really been crap... Im tired. but i cant sleep... My whole body hurts like hell... and it cant rest just for a second, all day i've tried to relax a little, but it's just not possible.. The worst thing is that as i sit here trying to type this, my stomache is one big cramp...
Ofcause its just that i need to give myself a chance of sitting down, instead of running around the house just wanting it to stop... Well i have the whole night to run around, and in the morning i'll probally pass out on my way to the bed... sights...
I've been really irritated and just growling at everything near me.... poor little cat... her stupid moves of the day made me yell even more at her, so she just surrendered and feel asleep next to me, to scared to move i think... hmmm... i really need to get myself together...
It's just the thing with walking around here with, nothing to do, and no one that i know, is starting to annoy me a little... i cant just take a break from the appartment and go c a friend or two... unless i have alot of money, so i can travel with the train... Ofcause it will change when i get the chance to meet other ppl... but.. that it linked with the fact that i need to have a reason to go out... and right now.... i dont.. so.. sights... yet another evol circle...
Well i guess i will go kill a alb or two, just to do something... i have my whole life to have pain in... and by the looks of it, i think the "angels of pain and sickness" has cast their eyes on me... baah...
*the kitten crawls away, trying to hide from the angels of pain*
October 31 Sure....So.. days over... Nothing done...
Goodnight..
lleh ni uoy ees rehtona ro yad emos..
October 22 Farewell LoveSecrets I left behind, farewell now A new world to desire, to desire Change the pictures, change the pages It matters little how I knew you Voices of memories, I hear you A book of stories told, stories old Dreams of good times, dreams of sad times And foolish moments we will always share Twilight is creeping over hillsides The candle's burning bright, burning bright Silent feelings, silent my eyes I wonder how much we'll always stay October 14 More of those crazy testsIm pathetic.. yes i know...
What Manga-Type are you?
A complex personality, you appeal only to two kinds of people - those who accept everything at face value and, most importantly, those who deeply understand the greater things you believe in. Skeptics are hard to win over, but those who like you will respect you forever.
Take the quiz:
What Animal Are you???
The lion is a majestic animal. With their massive bodies and powerful jaws makes them amazing hunters. You luckily are leader of the pack. Good Work!
October 10 See Who I AmIs it true what they say, Are we too blind to find a way? Fear of the unknown cloud our hearts today. Come into my world, See through my eyes. Try to understand, Don't want to lose what we have We've been dreaming But who can deny, It's the best way of living Between the truth and the lies See who I am, Break through the surface. Reach for my hand, Let's show them that we can Free our minds and find a way. The world is in our hands, This is not the end. Fear is withering the soul At the point of no return. We must be the change We wish to see. I'll come into your world, See through your eyes. I'll try to understand, Before we lose what we have. We just can't stop believing Because we have to try. We can rise above Their truth and their lies. See who I am, Break through the surface. Reach for my hand, Let's show them that we can Free our minds and find a way. The world is in our hands, See who I am, Break through the surface. Reach for my hand, Let's show them that we can Free our minds and find a way. The world is in our hands, This is not the end. I hear the silence Preaching my blame. Will our strength remain If their power reigns? See who I am, Break through the surface. Reach for my hand, Let's show them that we can Free our minds an d find a way. The world is in our hands, This is not the end. |
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