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January 30 Killed by the arrow?Hmm.. i know its a strange title... but to be honest, i didn't know what to write...
My health have been a little strange this past months/weeks/days...
been feeling really i'll, and then suddenly feeling allright again, untill 10 secs later, stomache cramps and all sorts of non-pleasant feelings... Eeven my mood has been really bad... hmm...
anyone wanna switch bodies???
I've actually had a really bad week. lots and lots of thought not giving me any rest at all. i think i used most of the hours laying in my bed, stareing at the man i love, which have made it alot easier to chew. I know i havent been writing alot in here, really, but i think what my brain is telling me is, that i need to get somethings out of my system before is crashes. And before i start going nuts.
Some nights ago, i had the doubtful honor of crying myself to pieces more or less. what made it different from all the other nights along time ago, was that i was not alone on putting the pieces back together again. After telling alot of things that was starting to really get me down +alot of non-important stuff, as it always goes when i share my inner tabu feelings, i fell asleep in no time, and with a rare knowlegde of peace. Now im sitting here, at 3.00 cet looking back at the last year, and for once, not in any bad way. Alot of things has happened, and i can't stop myself from feeling just a little joyful. Concidering the things i needed to go through, we needed to go through, its maby at a bit wrong. I lost 3 really good friends. and most of all. I lost a very weak connection that i had, to my parents, my family, my older friends.
Last night it accured to me, that i been a real bitch to alot of ppl. Not being honest, playing life as it was a game. And i think i owe so many ppl, a better view of who i really am. when i figure it out that is.
But come on mom, i cant have been that big a pain?! erm.. i have? screwed up the family? ups..
I always hated that part of the farytales where ppl live happily ever after, cause it ain't gonna happend. you find someone you love, they say the same to you, you look happy, have kids, complain about not having any time alone anymore, when the kids finally go, you complain over the house being too quiet, and when you finally get used to it... BAM... one of you dies...
*looks it all over again* hmmmmm...
I dont know about you, but where im sitting right now, i actually found out what happiness means...
Correct me if im wrong but...
Happiness means (in my substitut world):
You have the will to be yourself
to let yourself love someone
to be awarded for it
to care about what makes another person happy (its the little things that counts)
and to show it
Even if it means giving them your heart on a stick, and a fireplace to go with it.
I do know what dissepointment, sorrow, and hate means. More then i need in my appenion. But hey im just the messenger. But since i got the chance to meet a very speciel person, i also know what makes my life go on. I find myself wanting to please, to show feelings, i wanna have his kids, grow old with him, do anything that makes him happy... Cause when ever he is happy, i am... Complection of loveThe perfection you need from deep and painfull love... allways painfull..
Timeless hours of turning and turning in your bed...
The restless soul that in the end... never belongs to anyone...
As the sun turns on me, i feel safe from harm, from myself, from everyone..
But as is abbandons me, to safer grunds, to lighten others, and leaves me behind... I die a little every night...
In my dispare i always turn to you, not the darkened feelings i hold, not the the other me, but you...
In your eyes i find my sun, my savior.
untill u turn to sleep, close your eyes, and let me walk in the darkness.. never alone, but.. always on my own...
Eyes in the dark is not always bad, i pray, not to god, or to anyone, i just pray, and hope that someone hears it..
A prayer send to no one, can be taken by anyone, still i beg you...
I beg you...
Open your eyes and look at me, whats left of me, remember me...
Cause next time the suns goes down, i will loose a little more...
December 13 From Brother BearPhil Collins
Everywhere I turn I hurt someone but there's nothing I can say to change the things I done I'll do anything within my power and give everything I got but the power I seek is hidden from me now Brother Bear I let you down you trusted me, believed in me and I let you down of all the things I hid from you I cannot hide the shame and I pray someone, something would come to take away the pain there's no way out of this dark place no hope, no future I know why I can't be freed but I can see another way I can face another day December 01 Citat fra Cleaving:You make me misserable, do you know that?
With all the things you dont really say.
When i've done something wrong you dont care?
Yell at me, do something, just notice me.
November 22 Angel Of DeathShe opened her eyes and held the knife even closer to her heart. Tonight was the night where she had given up, and let the temptation slit her wrist. Just a little ofcause, not so that the blood would be too bad, only a little my angel. All alone so that no one would have the time to save her untill the angel of death could manage to take her away from this hell. She was sure about that. No one knew about her pain, her voices, or her numbness… No one but her angels…
She saw it drip on the floor little by little, and she started to get tired, but this was no time to sleep. She wanted to see him come to collect her soul, as he did to her friend. She wanted to SEE him, and let him know how badly she needed the touch of his wings, how badly she needed him to take her away. If he didn’t know he might let her stay here, and that was not a posibility. This was not her world, this was not where she belonged.
Minute by minute passed by, as she sat there waiting for him, but suddenly fear took hold of her. What if he didn’t show up? What if he was to busy to come and hear her prayers? Would she then go to hell without even getting a chance? No… this was hell… it couldn’t get any worse, and ofcause he would come for her. You cant let dying people wait.
The night passed, and as the sun came up a living soul found it’s way to her door, unprepared of the sight that would meet it. She was still sitting there with the knife near her heart, closed eyes and blood all over her dress. Frightened for her life, the ambulance was called even before her pulse was checked. As they arrived she opened her eyes, and with tears in her eyes and a broken voices she said “No one needs me, not even Death will have me. Am I really not worth anything to anyone?”.
Her body lived on, but her mind was broken, so was her abillity to speak. Only the speaking words of angels could turn a sparkle in her eyes. But not for long. One single soul cried for her destiny, and the Angel of Death, waited only for her voice calling her name. But it never came. New poemBlues
How am i ever gonna get rid of these blues, The thoughtlessness and the tears? I missed someone who could give me strength, Suddenly my life is changed and I cant keep up.
Missry is something I remember all to well still, Where’s the shadows of my deepest secrets? They lure at everything I do and say to you, Just when my happiest memories are about to begin.
Love songs singing in the background but how, As theres no one here to hear them? Broken heart or not I’ll never let go of these blues, They’r my muse, my inspiration to how I please you.
With every step I take towards the underworld I fear, That if I ever make it, will it still be the same? Darkness is nothing but a fear for the fears itself, And still some bear it in their heart right next to love.
It is their inspiration, the same way as you are mine….
November 09 What a dragSo i just got the news today that my uncle, ofc the evol one, have found a lump on his neck and is now going to a checkup this week, to c if its anything dangerous...
And then i sit back and woner if it's natures way of hitting me in the face, with yet another sad family-story... November 07 Bad HairdayGARH!...
Today have really been crap... Im tired. but i cant sleep... My whole body hurts like hell... and it cant rest just for a second, all day i've tried to relax a little, but it's just not possible.. The worst thing is that as i sit here trying to type this, my stomache is one big cramp...
Ofcause its just that i need to give myself a chance of sitting down, instead of running around the house just wanting it to stop... Well i have the whole night to run around, and in the morning i'll probally pass out on my way to the bed... sights...
I've been really irritated and just growling at everything near me.... poor little cat... her stupid moves of the day made me yell even more at her, so she just surrendered and feel asleep next to me, to scared to move i think... hmmm... i really need to get myself together...
It's just the thing with walking around here with, nothing to do, and no one that i know, is starting to annoy me a little... i cant just take a break from the appartment and go c a friend or two... unless i have alot of money, so i can travel with the train... Ofcause it will change when i get the chance to meet other ppl... but.. that it linked with the fact that i need to have a reason to go out... and right now.... i dont.. so.. sights... yet another evol circle...
Well i guess i will go kill a alb or two, just to do something... i have my whole life to have pain in... and by the looks of it, i think the "angels of pain and sickness" has cast their eyes on me... baah...
*the kitten crawls away, trying to hide from the angels of pain*
October 31 Sure....So.. days over... Nothing done...
Goodnight..
lleh ni uoy ees rehtona ro yad emos..
October 22 Farewell LoveSecrets I left behind, farewell now A new world to desire, to desire Change the pictures, change the pages It matters little how I knew you Voices of memories, I hear you A book of stories told, stories old Dreams of good times, dreams of sad times And foolish moments we will always share Twilight is creeping over hillsides The candle's burning bright, burning bright Silent feelings, silent my eyes I wonder how much we'll always stay October 14 More of those crazy testsIm pathetic.. yes i know...
What Manga-Type are you?
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The lion is a majestic animal. With their massive bodies and powerful jaws makes them amazing hunters. You luckily are leader of the pack. Good Work!
October 10 See Who I AmIs it true what they say, Are we too blind to find a way? Fear of the unknown cloud our hearts today. Come into my world, See through my eyes. Try to understand, Don't want to lose what we have We've been dreaming But who can deny, It's the best way of living Between the truth and the lies See who I am, Break through the surface. Reach for my hand, Let's show them that we can Free our minds and find a way. The world is in our hands, This is not the end. Fear is withering the soul At the point of no return. We must be the change We wish to see. I'll come into your world, See through your eyes. I'll try to understand, Before we lose what we have. We just can't stop believing Because we have to try. We can rise above Their truth and their lies. See who I am, Break through the surface. Reach for my hand, Let's show them that we can Free our minds and find a way. The world is in our hands, See who I am, Break through the surface. Reach for my hand, Let's show them that we can Free our minds and find a way. The world is in our hands, This is not the end. I hear the silence Preaching my blame. Will our strength remain If their power reigns? See who I am, Break through the surface. Reach for my hand, Let's show them that we can Free our minds an d find a way. The world is in our hands, This is not the end. September 29 My undoubtful loveI’ll send the sunlight to another placeLet the night go on All I want to do is just to look at you Next to a someone Wish I knew what you dream about
Stunned by the warmth I feel for you Different from others Having you near, I stand the nights as midnight lovers So sweet you can’t believe it’s real
I miss you the second your out the door I feel im out of power Im exited the minute you’r home again Watching each hour Loving each day that goes by, with you.September 11 A Forest-womans CryAs days became nightmares to ParisHer children were burned at the cross Allthough they were willing To stand gainst the killing Her children were burned at the cross
She seeked out to care for the forest She stumbled and cried out in vain It may be the first time And simply the last time She stumbled and cried out in vain
For Paris who knew how to heal thé Her breathing was simply a sin Who god had forsaken Her children were taken Her breathing was simply a sin
As night came upon her sweet sorrow She saw she was no more alone A woodlanders woman Who’s husband had fallen She saw she was no more alone
At last she had found her a soulmate Who knew natures ways but be ware If you help them with itches They’ll burn us as witches We know natures way but be ware
We take Our moon as our guider To find what we seek, to help lives Our lifes they will take then If even we save them To find what we seek, to help lives
One morning as sun raise to warm thé Their cottage was burned to the ground wish people had helped them Instead of desieve them Their cottage was burned to the ground
No one tried to help these young women Al though they had saved others life Their ashes were gathered Their medicin scaddered Al though they had saved others life
Made by Molly
Made for my little sister... My pride... September 08 Im with youI'm standing on the bridge September 02 Occult And StrangeIn my "young" and restless days I had a thing for the occult and strange things that was around us.. Ghosts, things that had no normal reasons, and the closest thing we'll prob ever get to magic, Inner strenght...
I was born restless, and with no abillity to believe in things i couldn't see or feel, and therefor it was a prob for me to ever believe in god. In a desperet attempt to find something to believe in, i met a person that lived and breathed for Wicca, the god and the godess. I was very curious in how a so mental strong woman could lay her faith in the hands of something she didn't know existed. Untill the day she took me with her to a meeting. Not like the meeting where u dance under the moon naked. Not like that at all. It was a meeting with nature. She told me about how everything that was green or part of the nature around us, was a prove of the godess existens. Then she told me a story that i still love to this day.
Once a woman planted a very strong plant in the perfect spot where it was to grow even stronger for many years. This plant had a sister, that was less beautiful or strong, and in shame the old woman planted it away from the sun and in a spot behind the house, where no one would see it.
Next to this old womans house was a little cottage where a young girl and her mother lived. In the day the girl would climb over the fence to take care of the young forgotten plant, and make sure that it was still alive. As the days passed with the love of the girl, the little plant grew stronger, and stronger. It even became more beautiful then its sister, and the old woman saw that. She one day removed the other flower, and planted the sister instead. This spot was in a place the young girl couldn't come to unnoticed, and she had to leave the flower by itself.
Without love the strong and beautiful flower died, even though the old woman took good care of it.
The moral of the story was that even nature needs love and attention. The godess walks between the trees everyday and sings for them. Its only whispering in the wind to us. But to the trees and plants its the most beautiful song telling them about life, and love.
I liked the thought of believing in a godess that didn't treaten ppl with hell and flames if they didn't believe in him, but rather a mother statue to look after you.
Till this day i still dont believe in anything. But for the sake of others, i hope that that we will meet the godess when we die, rather then a powersick man, who misleads himself in his great bibel.
August 28 Home sweet homeer.. well.. yes...
Had some RL going one these past weeks, so haven't really had the energy or sparetime to write anything really exiting yet..
Saw the name Iron Maiden somewhere along this day, and memories of fights with my mother, about how loud i was allowed to play my favorit band (at that time) came popping up.. So they just kept on rolling in...
I have a bad habbit with forgetting my past as soon as its not near... Bad memories, dissapear, but also good ones... Ofc i dont say that fighting with my mother was a good thing.. er... all though it kept my steam from crowding.. hehe..
I have a funny way of connecting sertan, unrelated things together sometimes... and in this case, all the anger connected to the music i used to listen to all the time.. ofc i still do.. once a Iron Maiden fan, ALWAYS a Iron Maiden fan...
Ofc an Iron Maiden was also a torture device, a big Metal-coffin with normaly filled with metalspikes formed so a human could stand in there.. some ppl thought the idea through and invented something new were you put it out in the sun... let the ppl boil...
What a fun way to use the ways of mankinds brain.... August 22 Save meIn my time i use pain as a shelter
In my time i use fear as my home
My soul bleeds for the stranger
That falls within my trap
In my time i have none to care for
In my time i have no one to love
My days keep growing longer
Shines the darkness i have
In my time i have nothing to live for
In my time my decisions are bold
My fears are the things i remember
Everything else is blured
In my dreams i have someone to live for
In my nightmares i have none
My fears all become my reality
And my dreams disappere
save me.. August 18 HelloPlayground school bell rings again |
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